i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
