It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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