I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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