i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
