if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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