I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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