I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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