my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He better not be in your backpack
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
