i love accidental penises.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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