quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize