I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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