You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Randomize
