and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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