Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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