Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
