i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
