So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
