You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
