i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
