I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
