If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
