So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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