her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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