I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
