and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Terrible idea I love it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
