last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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