Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
