I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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