I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize