I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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