If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
