Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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