i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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