I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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