i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
