i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
