this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
