I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
