Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
