she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize