Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
