He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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