phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
