Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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