Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
