you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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