Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
