my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
