On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
