i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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