Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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