I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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