It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
