He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize