You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
