Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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