I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Someone signed my nipple.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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