woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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