the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
